It’s become an all-too-common lament of women in marriages. “I want my husband to LEAD. To be the MAN. But he won’t and I’m Just. So. FRUSTRATED!“
At the same time, the men get increasingly dismayed and discouraged because it seem like the harder that they try, the more frustrated she still gets!
The fundamental problem here is one of language. It’s a, “Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus” kind of thing.
When a man hears that she wants him to “lead,” he defaults to Man Mode. It’s “take the hill.” It’s get the thing DONE. Rally the troops, raise the banner, and storm the castle. “FOLLOW ME, MEN! ONCE MORE INTO THE BREACH, GOOD FELLOWS!!”
For men, that’s what it looks like to lead. Accomplish the mission. Achieve the goal. Make it HAPPEN.
And here we pause, because here is wherein the problem lies. That very same word means something very different to a woman.
When she says she “wants you to lead,” what she’s really saying is that she wants you to, (okay, get ready, take a breath guys, cuz this is going to be a challenging one for most of us), she wants you to…initiate the conversation.
…😶
Probably some blank stares out there right about now, “Wait…the wha…? Conversation?!?!”
Yup. Don’t glaze over on me, guys, because see, here’s the thing. When you lead like a dude, when you take off in a clatter of hooves and a cloud of dust to save the day, she’s often left behind spitting out that self-same dust with a somewhat plaintive cry of, “Wait! What about ME?”
What most women want in this situation is less decisive action, and more active collaboration.
My experience has been that when I try to lead in that traditionally masculine way, it actually leaves my wife feeling less connected, less valued, less seen, and less heard. She feels like she is getting left behind, and I’m actually making things worse, not better.
What most women want in this situation is less decisive action, and more active collaboration.
When she says she wants me to lead, what she is really saying is that she wants to be able to offload the mental and emotional load of feeling like she has to figure everything out, to make the plans, to organize the home, and to keep ALL OF THE THINGS top-of-mind so that nothing gets dropped or forgotten. BUT, she also still wants to be included in the process, as a co-equal partner.
When she asks you to lead, she means for YOU to be the one to come up with the idea for a date…then discuss it with her and plan it out together. This kind of initiative shows that spending time with her is important to you, so important in fact that you were willing to take on the mental cycles needed to check reviews on a couple of spots she might like, check the calendar to make sure there aren’t any competing events, and then BRING HER AN ACTUAL PLAN.
Saying, “Hey, you keeps saying you want a date night. Okay, so, where do you want to go?” is not it. You’ve put the burden of deciding where and when right back in her lap.
Instead, try:
“Hey, honey. I found this great little restaurant that has a lot of gluten free and vegetarian options. It’s got really good reviews and it’s only about 15 minutes away. I checked the calendar and Thursday night looks free. If you don’t like that place, there is also a real good Korean restaurant that uses only grass fed beef and no seed oils. If that sounds good, I’ll set up a sitter for the kids and plan to take off work early so we can beat the dinner rush. If you could take a look at those restaurants and let me know what you’d like, I’d really appreciate it.”
In conversation #2, you showed up having done the research, found an open spot in their schedule, demonstrated the forethought to plan on a sitter and taking off work a little early, AND, you also gave her a choice of two places you know you’d both like. You took the lead, initiated the PLANNING, and included her in the CONVERSATION.
Congratulations! You are now showing leadership in your relationship!
It can be something as simple as setting a calendar reminder to take your car in for the oil change before the little light comes on, because little lights on the dashboard stress her out. Don’t make her have to remind you.
It can be showing the initiative to have a conversation about finances, to set up a savings account to start saving for the vacation you want to take her on this summer, and mention to her you want to DISCUSS how much “we” feel like we can put aside each month to make it happen. Active collaboration.
Leading doesn’t mean just being willing to put yourself between her and the bad guys. It doesn’t (only) mean keeping a stable job so she feels secure, or dealing with that difficult mechanic when you’re getting the snow tires put on so she doesn’t have to. Yes, it’s all of the things, and more. BUT. And….
In a marriage, leading also means setting the example. It means putting her emotional and physical well being ahead of your own a lot of the time. It means staying present enough to pay attention to the less glamorous day-to-day things that need doing so that she doesn’t feel like it will all have to fall back on her shoulders…again.
Even better yet? When in doubt, ask her what “leadership” looks like to her. You may be genuinely surprised by the answers.
(Continued in Part 2 – Why Won’t He Lead (For the gals))
